I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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