Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
