They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
