Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Randomize
