I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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