don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
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