I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
