So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I wear drunk well.
Randomize