I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Randomize
