Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
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