What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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