At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
