I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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