He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
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