Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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