she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
