I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
