An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
