just survived the first fart of the relationship.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Randomize
