Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
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