Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
