I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
