Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
