Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize
