the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
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