did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
