I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
