a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
i permit you to call me
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
