Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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