how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Randomize
