the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
