I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I just had sex on a roof
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
