saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
I have surprise drugs for everyone
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Randomize
