We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
