Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Randomize
