He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
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