I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
