I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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