I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
