so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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