the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
