Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
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