He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
