I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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