I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
