ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Randomize
