I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
