what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
P.S. I can't hear my feet
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Randomize
