does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
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