I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Randomize
