He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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