When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
