just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
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