a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
