I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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