Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
