I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize